I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
