Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
