For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I forget how to act sober
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
