Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
3 2 1 whiskey
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
