i think my mom watched the whole time
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
