she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
