I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
