the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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