I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
