Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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