I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Randomize
