His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
