She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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