we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
