can we get nightvision for the apartment?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
