your parents love me but you hate me
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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