One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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