Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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