Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
