This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
