I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize