You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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