It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
