They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
