1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
