I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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