im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
