ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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