i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
