I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
