i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
