Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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