Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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