I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My feet surprised me
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