3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
