Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Be still, my beating vagina.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
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