I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
