the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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