woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
