I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
