i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Ketchup is God's man juice
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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