Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
