My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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