i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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