i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
