the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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