im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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