This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
