Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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