I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
