my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
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