My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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