Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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