I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Randomize