I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
