@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
